Phil's Favorite Jack Handy Quotations

"If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let em go, because, man, they're gone." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is, is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because JUST WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?" -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. No paint." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I quess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't, is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!" -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"Most of the time it was probably a real bad thing being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT'." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seems that way." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"If you go to your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!" -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy